(phone buzzing)
(typing)
EXCUSE ME?
I... I WAS NOT CHECKING MY PHONE.
YES YOU WERE. YEAH.
I'M WORKING HARD OVER HERE AND YOU'RE TEXTING?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I HEARD THE BUZZ AND I HAD TO CHECK.
IT'S NOT LIKE I WAS DRIVING.
ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A VERY INTIMATE MOMENT HERE
AND YOU ARE... YOU ARE CHECKING YOUR PHONE.
OKAY, I'M SORRY, JOE.
IT'S JUST I'M A CITY COUNCILWOMAN.
YOU KNOW, THE PEOPLE OF TOLEDO HAVE ME ON CALL 24/7,
AND THAT TEXT COULD HAVE BEEN VERY IMPORTANT.
AND WAS IT?
THAT DEPENDS ON HOW IMPORTANT CAT VIDEOS ARE TO YOU.
LOOK. LOOK IT KEEPS PAWING AT ITS OWN REFLECTION.
SEE, 'CAUSE IT THINKS IT'S ANOTHER CAT.
ISN'T THAT SO... SOMETHING I CAN WATCH LATER?
OKAY, UH, LOOK, ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY.
I AM PUTTING THIS AWAY, AND I AM 100% YOURS.
NOW, WHERE WERE WE?
NO. NO, I MEAN I... YOU KNOW, I...
I CAN'T GO BACK. YOU KNOW, I LOST MY PLACE.
I DON'T... YOU KNOW, I WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO YOU
LIKE WHAT YOU JUST DID TO ME.
- OH, IS THAT SO? - OH, THAT IS VERY SO.
UH, NEED I REMIND YOU OF A CERTAIN NIGHT
WHEN OUR ROLES WERE REVERSED, AND IN THE MIDDLE OF THINGS,
YOU WERE WATCHING THE SUPER BOWL.
THAT WAS A PREARRANGED FANTASY, AS SPECIFIED
BY THE CONDITIONS ON THE VALENTINE'S DAY COUPON THAT YOU GAVE ME!
LOOK, ADMIT IT, YOU ARE AS EASILY DISTRACTED AS I AM.
NO, NO, NOT WHEN I'M IN BED WITH MY WIFE.
OKAY? ALL RIGHT, WHEN I AM IN HERE,
I AM LIKE LASER FOCUSED, MAN.
MY MOM COULD BE AT THE FOOT OF THIS BED,
GETTING RIPPED LIMB FROM LIMB BY RABID COYOTES, ALL RIGHT?
AND I GOT MY EYE ON THE PRIZE.
CAN WE JUST MAYBE MOVE ON?
(sighs) FINE.
I MEAN, I CAN TRY...
(phone buzzing)
OKAY, I'LL JUST TURN THAT OFF.
AWW!
YOU KNOW WHAT? I HOPE YOU ENJOY THAT CAT VIDEO.
'CAUSE THAT'S THE ONLY TAIL YOU'RE GOING TO BE GETTING TONIGHT.
- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪
- ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ AS FAR AS I CAN SEE ♪
- ♪ IT'S ALL GOOD ♪ - ♪ All good ♪
- ♪ IT'S OKAY ♪ - ♪ Okay ♪
- ♪ IT'S ALL RIGHT ♪ - ♪ All right ♪
♪ I GUESS YOU'RE STUCK ♪
♪ WITH ME ♪
OH, GOOD MORNING.
I SAID, GOOD MORNING.
LADIES, EYES UP HERE, OKAY?
YOU KNOW, I MIGHT BE KIND OF OLD-SCHOOL,
BUT MY IDEA OF A SATURDAY-MORNING FAMILY BREAKFAST
INVOLVES EYE CONTACT
AND, I DON'T KNOW, HUMAN INTERACTION.
I'M HAVING LOTS OF HUMAN INTERACTION
WITH MY 806 FRIENDS.
YOU ONLY HAVE 806 FRIENDS?
(sing-song) LOSER.
THOSE AREN'T FRIENDS. NOBODY HAS 806 FRIENDS.
OH YEAH? WELL, I HAVE 3,000 FOLLOWERS.
LENNOX, IF 3,000 PEOPLE WERE FOLLOWING YOU,
IT WOULD BE TERRIFYING, OKAY?
FRIENDS, FOLLOWERS? COME ON, IT'S LIKE ALL WORDS HAVE LOST THEIR MEANING.
WHO NEEDS WORDS WHEN YOU HAVE EMOJIS?
I CAN'T BELIEVE MIRIAM POSTED THIS PHOTO OF ME EATING RAMEN.
I WAS MID-SLURP. NOT EVEN JENNIFER LAWRENCE LOOKS GOOD MID-SLURP.
OH, I'M SORRY, JOE. I DIDN'T SEE YOU.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T SEE ME, 'CAUSE I WAS HIDING
RIGHT HERE IN REAL LIFE.
I SAID I'M SORRY.
LOOK, I'M SORRY ABOUT LAST NIGHT TOO, OKAY?
- GIVE ME A KISS. - (phone beeps)
OOH!
CLEARLY YOU'RE OVERCOME WITH REMORSE.
I AM. ONE SECOND...
AND SEND.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE TETHERED TO THAT THING LIKE AN UMBILICAL CORD.
JOE, WE NEED THESE, OKAY? WE NEED TO BE CONNECTED.
NOT EVERY SINGLE INTIMATE MOMENT OF OUR LIVES.
I'M TALKING ABOUT BREAKFAST.
Both: OH.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I BET THIS FAMILY
COULDN'T GO THE WHOLE WEEKEND WITHOUT LOOKING AT THOSE PHONES.
I COULD, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY HOMEWORK? I HAVE TO GO ONLINE TO GET IT.
LAST NIGHT YOU SAID YOU HAD NO ASSIGNMENTS THIS WEEKEND.
THANKS SO MUCH.
OH, I SEE WHAT YOU WERE DOING.
HEY, LOOK, I'M NOT TELLING ANYONE TO THROW THEIR PHONES AWAY.
I'M JUST SAYING, YOU KNOW, WE CAN'T BE ADDICTED TO THESE THINGS.
EVERYTHING IN MODERATION.
UM, WHAT ABOUT YOU AND WORKING OUT?
DON'T GO OFF-TOPIC.
THAT WAS REALLY WONDERFUL, HONEY.
YOU'VE GIVEN US A LOT TO THINK ABOUT, YOU KNOW?
- (beeps) -SIRI, REMIND ME TO THINK ABOUT WHAT JOE JUST SAID.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S WHAT WE'RE GOING TO DO.
EVERYBODY REMEMBER OUR LITTLE SWEAR JAR UP HERE
THAT'S FULL OF QUARTERS?
AH, THAT (jackhammer pounding) THING.
(jackhammer continues)
SERIOUSLY? THE BUCHWALDS ARE DOING CONSTRUCTION
ON THE (jackhammer rattles) WEEKEND?
HEY!
SH... (jackhammer rattles)! IT'S 9:00 IN THE MORNING!
AREN'T YOU GOING TO GET SOME CHANGE?
OH, NO, THEY'RE GOING TO BE DOING CONSTRUCTION
ON THAT POOL FOR A LONG TIME.
OKAY, HERE'S THE DEAL, ALL RIGHT?
ANYONE WHO MAKES IT TILL MONDAY MORNING
WITHOUT LOOKING AT THEIR PHONE WILL GET EVERYTHING IN THIS JAR.
(laughs)
PLUS $200 FROM MY WALLET.
- I'M IN. - ME TOO.
ARE YOU GOING TO LOCK UP OUR PHONES?
WE'RE NOT LOCKING ANYTHING UP.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO BE GOING ON THE HONOR SYSTEM. MEL, ARE YOU IN?
ARE YOU GOING TO GUILT ME TO DEATH IF I SAY NO?
COME ON, WOULD I EVER DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?
I'M IN.
GOOD, ALL RIGHT. SO THE CLOCK STARTS RIGHT NOW.
(phone dings)
OH! OH, CAN YOU DELAY THE CLOCK JUST, LIKE, ONE MINUTE?
NO, I'M SORRY, THAT'S NOT HOW TIME WORKS.
BUT, JOE, THIS GUY MIGHT BE ASKING ME OUT.
ASKING YOU OUT? OKAY, GO AHEAD AND TEXT HIM.
AND LENNOX LASTED ALMOST ONE MINUTE.
NO! NO, I WANT THAT MONEY.
GOOD. OKAY, SO NO TEXTS,
NO EMAILS, NO BROWSING THE INTERNET,
NO CUTE LITTLE ANIMALS OR BABIES PLAYING IN SPAGHETTI, ALL RIGHT?
FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS.
YOU THINK YOU CAN DO THIS TOO, JOE?
PFF! ARE YOU KIDDING? GIVE ME A PARTY HAT,
BECAUSE THIS IS GOING TO BE A PIECE OF CAKE.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I LOVE MY PHONE, MAN,
BUT NOT MORE THAN I LOVE THE PEOPLE AROUND ME. YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, EVERYBODY PRETENDS, YOU KNOW, PHONES ARE FOR CONNECTING.
RIGHT? MY THEORY IS, THEY USE THESE PHONES TO AVOID PEOPLE.
BECAUSE YOU REALLY WANT TO CONNECT, MAN,
YOU DISCONNECT FROM YOUR PHONE,
AND YOU CONNECT TO THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU! YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
YOU TALK TO THEM, YOU LISTEN TO THEM.
- YOU KNOW, JOE... - I'M NOT DONE YET.
I WAS AT THE COFFEE SHOP YESTERDAY, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S FILLED WITH THESE COUPLES WHO ARE NOT TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
YEAH, IT'S A SAD STATE OF...
SHH! I GOT THE ANSWER.
RIGHT? THIS MORNING, I CHALLENGED MY FAMILY
TO NOT USE THEIR SCREENS FOR THE ENTIRE WEEKEND.
SO WE CAN ACTUALLY INTERACT LIKE HUMAN BEINGS
INSTEAD OF LIKE 'BOTS.
- YOU DID THAT? - YEAH, I DID, MAN.
YOU KNOW? AND I'M TURNING THIS WHOLE THING AROUND, ALL RIGHT?
STARTING AT HOME. AND I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING RIGHT NOW, MORRIS.
IF EVERYBODY DID THAT,
WE COULD CHANGE THIS WHOLE COUNTRY IN 48 HOURS.
RIGHT, NOW I WANT YOU TO STRETCH OUT YOUR HAMMIES.
OKAY.
WOW, I GOTTA SAY, JOE,
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A VERY PERSUASIVE GUY.
REALLY? OH, YOU KNOW, I JUST SAY WHAT I THINK AND WHAT I FEEL.
I SPEAK FROM WHAT I LIKE TO CALL MY HEART-BRAIN.
HEART-BRAIN.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS, BUT I LOVE THE SOUND OF IT.
DO YOU? I'M FULL OF IDEAS LIKE THAT.
YOU KNOW, I BOOK SPEAKERS FOR CONVENTIONS
AND CORPORATE RETREATS, AND I REALLY THINK
PEOPLE WOULD BE INTERESTED IN WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT BEING A MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER?
YOU MEAN HAVE I THOUGHT ABOUT TALKING PASSIONATELY
FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME WHILE AN AUDIENCE HANGS ON MY EVERY WORD?
UM, YEAH.
ONLY, LIKE, ALL THE TIME.
YOU THINK YOU COULD PUT TOGETHER A 45-MINUTE PRESENTATION?
I COULD CUT IT DOWN TO 45 MINUTES.
WHY DON'T YOU PUT SOMETHING TOGETHER,
AND I'LL SEND A CONTRACT OVER LATER.
AND WHEN I GET AN OPENING, I'LL TRY YOU OUT.
ALL RIGHT, THAT SOUNDS GOOD, MAN. THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT, NOW LET'S GET YOU INTO THE GARAGE.
WE'RE GONNA DO SOME SQUATS WHILE I TELL YOU
HOW I'M GONNA FIX THE NATION'S SCHOOLS.
HEY, MEL, YOU'RE NOT GONNA...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? ARE YOU... ARE YOU MEDITATING?
YES, I OMMMMM.
JUST A LITTLE MEDITATION HUMOR.
I DO THAT EVERY NOW AND ZEN.
ANY MORE?
NO, I'M DONE.
IT TURNS OUT, WITHOUT THE INTERNET,
I HAVE ALL THIS EXTRA TIME I DIDN'T KNOW I HAD.
AND I GOTTA SAY, MEDITATING MAKES YOU FEEL PRETTY GREAT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE TRYING ON SHOES FOR YOUR MIND.
SO WAIT A MINUTE. BY CUTTING YOU OFF FROM YOUR ELECTRONICS,
I'VE JUST GIVEN YOU A WHOLE NEW OUTLOOK ON YOUR LIFE.
THAT'S WHY I CAME IN HERE, HONEY,
BECAUSE I WAS JUST TELLING MY CLIENT MORRIS ABOUT OUR TECH-FREE WEEKEND,
AND IT TURNS OUT HE ARRANGES SPEAKING ENGAGEMENTS
AND HE WANTS TO HIRE NONE OTHER THAN JOE LONGO.
OH, WOW, I'M SO HAPPY FOR YOU, JOE.
OOH, AND I KNOW JUST HOW WE CAN CELEBRATE.
I WAS THINKING ABOUT IT DURING MY MEDITATION. SHUT THE DOOR.
OOH, OKAY.
NOW YOU AND ME...
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE SECRET PHONE TIME?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
I THOUGHT YOU WANTED A LITTLE JOE-MANCE.
OKAY, I TOLD YOU NEVER TO USE THAT WORD AGAIN.
BESIDES, WE CAN DO THAT ANYTIME,
BUT WE ONLY HAVE A FEW MINUTES TO CHECK OUR EMAILS BEFORE THE KIDS NOTICE WE'RE GONE.
- WE ALL MADE A PACT. - I LEARNED MY LESSON.
DON'T I DESERVE A DIGITAL QUICKIE? THE KIDS DON'T HAVE TO KNOW.
DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU'VE COMPLETELY LEARNED YOUR LESSON.
OKAY OKAY OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. I DIDN'T LEARN MY LESSON,
'CAUSE WE'RE ADULTS.
IT'S TOO LATE FOR US TO LEARN LESSONS.
LOOK, MEL, I KNOW IT'S HARD, ALL RIGHT,
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW IF YOU'RE GOING TO ACCOMPLISH SOMETHING
UNTIL YOU ACTUALLY ACCOMPLISH IT.
OOH.
THAT'S A GOOD LINE. I GOTTA USE THAT FOR MY SPEECH.
I'M SORRY, OKAY, ANYWAY, BACK TO YOU.
THE POINT IS, HONEY, I KNOW YOU CAN ABSTAIN FROM USING THAT PHONE
FOR THE NEXT 48 HOURS.
OKAY, FINE, YOU CONVINCED ME.
I CAN DO THIS.
SEE WHAT I JUST DID RIGHT THERE.
I'M TELLING YOU SOMETHING, I'M LIKE A NATURAL MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER.
I MEAN, I PSYCH YOU UP, BABY.
I MOVE YOU FORWARD, ALL RIGHT?
I MAKE YOU BECOME THE BEST VERSION OF YOU...
OKAY, STOP. YOU'RE MOTIVATING ME TO JUMP OUT THE WINDOW.
OKAY, I'M GOING TO BE THE RACE CAR,
DANI'S GOING TO BE THE HAT, LENNOX IS GOING TO BE THE DOG,
- AND AS USUAL, MEL IS GOING TO BE... - All: THE SHOE.
YOU LEARN FAST.
EDUCATED GUESS. ZAPPOS JUST SENT HER A SHOT GLASS.
LOOK AT US. LOOK AT US HERE, HUH?
WE'RE CONNECTING AND NOT USING ANY SCREENS.
- MEL? - Mel: I'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
OH, HEY, DANI?
EVERYONE GETS $2500.
NO, THEY DON'T. CHECK THE RULES.
AUNT MEL TORE UP THE RULES LAST TIME WE PLAYED.
WELL, THEN LOOK THEM UP ONLINE.
NO, NO, NO. NO, REMEMBER?
NOBODY'S GOING ONLINE UNTIL MONDAY.
YEAH, BUT JOE, WE NEED RULES.
WELL, I'M NOT PLAYING UNLESS WE'RE PLAYING CORRECTLY.
I DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO PLAY THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE.
I WANTED TO PLAY SCRABBLE.
WELL, IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE WE CHOSE THIS...
- (Lennox and Dani shouting) -WE CHOSE THIS GAME, AND WE'RE GONNA PLAY THIS GAME!
AW, YOU GUYS STARTED YELLING WITHOUT ME.
BUT THAT'S MY FAVORITE PART OF FAMILY GAME NIGHT.
WE'RE NOT YELLING, HONEY. WE'RE CONNECTING...
VERY LOUDLY.
YEAH, WELL, CHECK THIS OUT, JOE.
A MESSENGER JUST DROPPED OFF SOME CONTRACTS FOR YOU TO SIGN.
IT'S FOR YOUR SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT.
- THAT WAS FAST. AWESOME! - YEAH.
- READ THE NOTE ON THE COVER. - OH.
"JOE, A SPEAKER GOT SICK AND I HAVE AN OPENING
"FOR TOMORROW. TEXT ME IF YOU'RE AVAILABLE."
THAT'S SWEET!
- I'M GONNA GO... - WHAT?
WHAT, JOE? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA GO DO?
I'M GONNA...
I'M GONNA THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TEXT HIM BACK?
NO. NO, I'M NOT, BECAUSE I'M NOT GOING TO VIOLATE MY PLEDGE.
YOU KNOW? THERE'LL BE OTHER SPEAKING OPPORTUNITIES.
WOW, THEY REALLY PAY A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS.
REALLY? YOU KNOW WHAT? IT DOESN'T MATTER.
DOESN'T MATTER, ALL RIGHT?
MONEY... MONEY DOESN'T MATTER, OKAY?
BECAUSE THIS IS ABOUT PRINCIPLE, MEL.
AND AFTER ALL, WHO ARE WE WITHOUT OUR PRINCIPLES?
(typing)
(beeping)
THIS IS NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE.
WELL, WELL, WELL.
THE ROLE MODEL IS CAUGHT TEXTING IN THE CLOSET.
DOES THIS SERIOUSLY LOOK LIKE I'M TEXTING TO YOU?
ALL RIGHT? BECAUSE THAT IS NOT WHAT I'M DOING, ALL RIGHT?
WHAT I'M DOING HERE IS I'M LOOKING UP MORRIS'S CONTACT INFO.
- IN THE CLOSET? - I DON'T HAVE IT ANYWHERE ELSE.
BESIDES, IF PEOPLE SAW ME USING MY PHONE,
THEY'D THINK I WAS ACTUALLY TEXTING.
I MEAN, YOU JUST DID.
RELAX, JOE. I WON'T TELL ANYBODY.
LENNOX, THERE IS NOTHING TO TELL HERE, ALL RIGHT?
BUT THANK YOU.
LET ME FINISH.
I WON'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT YOUR TEXTING
IF YOU DON'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT MY THREE TEXTS.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE. I DID ONE TEXT. WHY DO YOU GET THREE TEXTS?
OH, HEY, IF THAT'S A PROBLEM, I CAN JUST GO TELL AUNT MEL
ABOUT YOUR CLOSET AFFAIRS.
WELL, I DEFINITELY WOULDN'T WORD IT THAT WAY.
ALL RIGHT, FINE. FINE, YOU GET THREE TEXTS.
AND YOU LOOK SO INNOCENT.
AH, FINALLY!
I CAN USE MY THUMBS THE WAY GOD INTENDED.
(typing)
- (typing) - (cat meows)
(clears throat)
I DON'T KNOW WHAT HAPPENED! THE PHONE FELL INTO MY HANDS.
OH, YOU'RE NOT JOE.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO TELL HIM, ARE YOU?
TELL JOE WHAT?
OH, YOU'RE BAD... IN THE GOOD WAY.
MOVE OVER.
AH, LOOK AT ME! I WAS ABOUT TO PLUG IN MY PHONE TO RECHARGE IT,
BUT SINCE I DIDN'T USE IT TODAY, NO NEED.
BECAUSE YOUR WORDS MOTIVATED ME, JOE.
YOU KNOW, THANKS FOR BEING SUCH A GOOD ROLE MODEL.
YEAH, YEAH. YOU KNOW, LISTEN, MEL,
I ACTUALLY HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.
THIS WHOLE NO-CELL-PHONE CHALLENGE
WAS A LOT HARDER THAN I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO BE,
AND THE TRUTH IS, HONEY...
I BARELY MADE IT THROUGH THE FIRST DAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.
I MEAN, THOSE SCREENS ARE SO TEMPTING.
YEAH, THEY REALLY ARE, SO TEMPTING.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY? YOU JUST GOTTA BE STRONG.
SO STRONG.
WELL, I GOTTA GET TO SLEEP
BECAUSE I GOTTA GET UP EARLY.
I HAVE MY FIRST SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT TOMORROW.
OH, YOU GOT THE GIG? CONGRATULATIONS.
THANKS. YEAH, I'M REALLY EXCITED ABOUT IT.
WOW, THAT'S AWESOME.
WAIT A MINUTE, I'M CONFUSED.
UM, HOW DID YOU BOOK THIS GIG FOR TOMORROW?
HUH?
I MEAN, WITHOUT USING YOUR PHONE,
LIKE, HOW DID YOU GET IN TOUCH WITH HIM?
DID YOU USE SOME SORT OF, I DON'T KNOW, HOGWARTS OWL?
(laughs) GOOD ONE. YOU'RE HILARIOUS.
I'M FALLING ASLEEP RIGHT NOW. GOOD NIGHT.
I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU BROKE YOUR PLEDGE.
YOU TEXTED HIM!
ALL WHILE I'M MAKING THIS HUGE SACRIFICE.
HUGE SACRIFICE! YOU MISSED OUT ON A DAY OF CAT VIDEOS.
YEAH, JOE! A WHOLE DAY!
YOU KNOW WHAT, JOE?
- KNOCK KNOCK. - WHO'S THERE?
HYPOCRITE. YOU'RE A BIG HYPOCRITE.
THAT'S NOT EVEN THE CORRECT FORM OF A KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE.
OH YEAH? KNOCK KNOCK, WHO CARES?
LISTEN, GIVING THIS SPEECH IS NOT JUST ABOUT ME, ALL RIGHT?
IT'S ABOUT HELPING PEOPLE TO LEAD BETTER LIVES.
IT'S NOT SO HARD, JOE. JUST ADMIT WHAT YOU DID WAS WRONG.
OKAY, FINE, I'LL ADMIT THAT WHAT I DID WAS SLIGHTLY INCONSISTENT.
UH, INCONSISTENT WITH BEING RIGHT?
WHATEVER! ALL RIGHT, I SAID ONE THING AND THEN DID ANOTHER!
THAT IS THE DEFINITION OF A HYPOCRITE.
YOU KNOW WHAT? SOME OF THE MOST EFFECTIVE MEN IN HISTORY
HAVE BEEN BIG HYPOCRITES IN THEIR PERSONAL LIFE.
- THAT'S YOUR DEFENSE? - I DON'T KNOW!
IS IT WORKING?
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. YOU'RE CHECKING TEXTS,
DANI'S CHECKING EMAILS.
WHOA WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE. BACK UP.
DANI CHEATED?
I DID NOT TELL YOU THAT.
BUT YOU KNOW, AT LEAST SHE WASN'T CLAIMING TO BE A ROLE MODEL.
ALL RIGHT.
HEY, LOOK, LET'S JUST END THIS NOW.
WE SHOULDN'T GO TO BED ANGRY. IT'S NOT GOOD TO GO TO BED ANGRY.
ALL RIGHT? I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...
I THINK I GOT A LITTLE SOMETHING
THAT WILL HELP YOU RELAX,
MAYBE EVEN, YOU KNOW, HELP YOU SLEEP BETTER.
MMM. SO DO I.
- MMM. - HOT, HOT CAT VIDEOS.
BUT I'M NOT GOING TO WATCH THEM, BECAUSE SOMEONE IN THIS HOUSE HAS RESTRAINT.
OH, OH, OH, HEY, LOOK! IT'S ME!
HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
SHOULDN'T YOU BE ON YOUR WAY TO YOUR BIG SPEAKING ENGAGEMENT?
MEL, HOW CAN I GO OUT THERE IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE PEOPLE
AND TELL THEM TO DO SOMETHING THAT I COULDN'T DO?
HOW WOULD I FEEL ABOUT MYSELF?
ANSWER? NOT GREAT.
LOOK, I SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID ALL THOSE THINGS I SAID LAST NIGHT.
NO, HONEY, YOU WERE RIGHT.
I WAS BEING A TOTAL HYPOCRITE.
NO, YOU WERE RIGHT.
AND YOU WERE RIGHT FIRST.
I DO SPEND TOO MUCH TIME STARING AT MY PHONE,
BECAUSE IT'S EASY,
AND REAL INTERACTION IS HARD,
ESPECIALLY WHEN YOU HAVE TO APOLOGIZE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR OVERREACTING.
LOOK, SURE, YOU'RE NOT PERFECT,
BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN THAT WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY ISN'T VALUABLE,
AND IT'LL BE VALUABLE TO THAT AUDIENCE TOO.
YOU REALLY THINK SO?
OF COURSE I DO.
YOU'RE FULL OF GOOD IDEAS, BETWEEN LONGO FIT AND THIS,
YOU SHOULD REALLY WRITE A BOOK.
HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT DOING THAT?
YOU MEAN, HAVE I EVER THOUGHT ABOUT EXPRESSING MYSELF
WITHOUT BEING INTERRUPTED FOR 200 PAGES? UM, YEAH.
- ONLY, LIKE, ALL THE TIME. - WELL, THEN DO IT.
BUT FIRST YOU SHOULD GET GOING SO YOU'RE NOT LATE TO YOUR SPEECH.
THOSE PEOPLE ARE COUNTING ON YOU.
OH MY GOD. YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT.
AGAIN.
NOT THAT I'M KEEPING TRACK.
WHAT WOULD I DO WITHOUT YOU?
- MWAH! - ALL RIGHT, GOOD LUCK.
YEAH! THANK YOU.
WAIT, SO WHICH ONE OF YOU IS THE MOTIVATIONAL SPEAKER?
WELL, ME, BUT I CAN'T PURSUE ALL OF MY TALENTS
OR THE REST OF THE WORLD WOULD JUST GET JEALOUS.
HEY THERE, FAMILY.
OH, LOOK WHO'S HOME.
- HOW'D THE SPEECH GO, JOE? - IT WENT AMAZING.
A LOT OF PEOPLE CAME UP TO ME AFTER THE SPEECH
AND TOLD ME JUST HOW INSPIRED THEY WERE.
ACTUALLY, ONE GUY... HE GOT OUT OF HIS WHEELCHAIR TO THANK ME.
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE CREDIT FOR THAT,
BUT YOU CAN'T CALL IT A COINCIDENCE.
WOW.
I NEED A MOMENT AFTER THAT ONE.
ANYWAY, THE COOLEST THING IS THAT A FEW PEOPLE
ACTUALLY CAME UP TO ME AFTER I WAS DONE TALKING,
AND THEY ASKED ME IF THEY COULD BUY MY BOOK.
- AND WHAT DID YOU SAY? - I SAID, "PRE-ORDER IT RIGHT NOW
"BECAUSE AS IT HAPPENS, I'M WRITING ONE."
THAT'S GREAT, JOE.
WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT? PUT ME DOWN FOR A PRE-ORDER TOO.
ME TOO. BUT CAN I GET MINE IN AN E-BOOK?
ABSOLUTELY.
YOU SEE? I'M NOT ANTI-TECHNOLOGY.
AND ALSO, IF I'M GOING TO GET IT IN AN E-BOOK,
I'M ALSO GOING TO NEED AN E-BOOK READER WITH A LEATHER CASE.
YOU WANT ME TO READ YOUR BOOK, DON'T YOU?
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT. OKAY?
BUT I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS, I COULD NOT HAVE DONE ANY OF IT
WITHOUT THIS LOVELY LADY HERE TODAY.
I MEAN, SHE IS THE ONLY ONE WHO HAD THE CONVICTION
AND THE CHARACTER TO STICK IT OUT, YOU KNOW,
AND NOT LOOK AT A PHONE OR A SCREEN
OR SEND A SINGLE TEXT.
I MEAN, I CRACKED, YOU KNOW?
- LENNOX CRACKED. - HEY!
I THOUGHT YOU WEREN'T GOING TO OUT ME.
- BUT DON'T YOU FEEL BETTER NOW? - NO.
DON'T FEEL BAD, OKAY? DANI CRACKED TOO.
WHAT? I DID NOT.
DANI, MEL TOLD ME.
- BUT SHE WAS THE ONE... - DANI, IT IS RUDE
TO INTERRUPT YOUR FATHER WHEN HE'S SPEAKING.
FINE.
WAIT, WHY'D YOU DO THAT? YOU DIDN'T SAY ANY SWEAR WORDS.
YEAH, BUT I'LL BE SAYING PLENTY LATER IN MY BEDROOM.
AND SO... CAN I HAVE THAT JAR, PLEASE, SWEETIE?
PER OUR AGREEMENT...
MEL...
YOU GET THE WINNINGS.
- OH. - AW.
WOW. YOU KNOW, I WASN'T EXPECTING TO WIN,
SO I DIDN'T PREPARE A SPEECH.
THAT'S OKAY, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR ONE.
CONGRATULATIONS, MEL.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH THAT BIG PILE OF CASH YOU WON...
FAIRLY AND SQUARELY?
UH, WELL, I'M NOT... I'M NOT SURE YET.
YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO HAND IT TO YOU, AUNT MEL,
I DIDN'T THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO SURVIVE THE DEPRAVATION.
JEEZ, I WISH I HAD YOUR DISCIPLINE.
SEE, GIRLS, IT JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU,
NEVER UNDERESTIMATE THIS WOMAN RIGHT HERE.
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE SHE IS CAPABLE OF SO MUCH MORE THAN WE KNOW.
ALL RIGHT! I CHEATED TOO.
OKAY, I WATCHED KITTENS VERSUS DUCKLINGS,
AND IT WAS ADORABLE. YOU KNOW, WE ALL CHEATED,
SO NOBODY DESERVES THIS MONEY FROM THE SWEAR JAR.
WE ARE GIVING IT TO CHARITY.
EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THIS HOUSE CHEATS LIKE (jackhammer pounding).
WELL, WELL, WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT BACK ON THE TECHNOLOGY SAUCE, HUH?
I SURE AM, BUT, YOU SEE, I AM USING THE COMPUTER FOR GOOD NOW.
BECAUSE I CLEARED MY SCHEDULE OUT FOR THE DAY
SO I COULD SIT DOWN AND START TO WRITE MY BOOK.
OH, GOOD FOR YOU. HOW MANY PAGES HAVE YOU WRITTEN?
I JUST SAT DOWN.
BUT I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU WAKE UP HOURS AGO.
YEAH, YOU DID, BUT YOU KNOW, I HAD TO WORK OUT,
AND THEN, OF COURSE, I HAD TO GET DANI'S LUNCH READY FOR SCHOOL,
AND THEN I STARTED THE MARINADE AND THEN,
YOU KNOW, I NEVER NOTICED HOW MESSY THE PANTRY WAS,
SO OF COURSE, I HAD TO CLEAN THAT OUT.
BUT NOW... NOW I AM FOCUSED
AND READY TO START WORK ON MY BEST SELLER.
I'M SO PROUD OF YOU FOR SITTING DOWN AND TACKLING THAT.
AND YOU KNOW, I'VE NEVER HAD A BOOK DEDICATED TO ME,
IN CASE YOU WANTED TO CHANGE THAT.
BUT I'LL JUST GO NOW AND LET YOU FOCUS.
OKAY? FOCUS, JOE, FOCUS!
- GIVE ME A "J"! - MEL.
I GOT IT.
- BYE. - HEY, WHOOP!
- (door closes) - (sighs)
OKAY.
I THINK I DESERVE A BREAK.
- (kitten meowing) - LOOK AT THAT.
(laughing) KITTEN NURSING ON A GORILLA.
OH, MAN, NATURE'S CRAZY.